Good Week

Well it was a good week for me last week:

1) I won my first trial as a lawyer (I tried juvenile criminal cases last summer as an intern and won, but those don't count). It was a small claims case and the pro se plaintiff inmate appeared by phone - but hey, a win is a win.

2) I became an uncle. To a niece named Elliot. Now I get to enjoy giving this new child an E.T. phone home complex for the rest of her life (one E.T. plush doll is already in the mail).

3) I won enough money in an online poker tournament last night that I can pay off the rest of my law school loans. Only downside is that I am still on a sort of high and have accomplished little to nothing at work today.

I'm an uncle!

My sister just popped yesterday. I have a niece named Elliot. Ellliiiooottt - looking for an E.T. doll right now to send as a b-day gift.

So this is where those fingers come from

I think I'm going to ask this guy to send me his finger so I can put it in some custard and then sue somebody with nice big deep pockets.

Going Postal

This is just nasty.

I'm an old fart

My freshman year at UCSB I basically just decided that the sun was much more important then school. So I basically just stopped going to class. I did, however, start playing a lot of basketball. Every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday at noon there was a group of these guys from one of the local engineering firms who came to the outdoor courts on campus to play some ball for an hour. Since I was no longer going to class, I too was often out shooting hoops and soaking up the rays, and eventually I became the one college kid who was allowed to play in their game. As an 18 year old, I of course called this thrice weekly game my "Old Fart" game since I was playing with a bunch of guys who were in their 30's, 40's and even 50's.

Well as of yesterday, I am now officially an old fart. That's right the big 3 0. Last year I was still in school, having fun, farting around. Now I'm a working man, who still farts around a lot, but damn I just feel OLD.

Bitch Dog

Of course you never get the real story from the news. So let me tell you how this really went.

Crabby lady has nothing better to do than repeatedly call cable company to bitch them out. After her umpteenth call, the 19 year old receptionists get sick of transferring her to the person who has been picked to deal with her that day, so they come up with the novel idea of adressing her bill to "Bitch Dog." Unfortunately "Bitch Dog" knows how to read and notices her bill, so surprise, surprise she complains again and the geniuses who came up with the idea are fired.

Now comes the fun part: It is up to you my two dear readers to come up with a story as to why Jeffrey's bill was addressed to Jeffrey "Scrotum Bag" Barnes.

Oompa Loompa

Oompa Loompa Doompadee Doo
I've got a perfect puzzle for you
Oompa Loompa Doompadee Die
I've found a "little person" in a lie.

Of course we all know this guy couldn't have been a true Oompa Loompa because:
Oompa Loompa Doompadee Dah
If you're not greedy you will go far
You will in happiness too
Like the Oompa Loompa Doompadee D0
Doompadee Do

Geronimo!!

What a dumbass! He's not a 4 year old wondering if it really will hurt if he sticks his finger in the fan, the kid is 18. I'm not sure why this struck me as so funny, but it did.

Wasn't Middle School/Junior High Great?

I do have to say, I am eternally grateful that the days of titty twisters, wedgies, and wet willies are over. But I thought it as only in First Year Law School hypotheticals that someone would actually be charged for committing these acts. Guess I was wrong.

So for any soon to be first year law student at UW who wants to know what Substantive Crim Law will be like, read this article and then decide:

What charges can you bring? As a great LEO ambassador I'll help you out for this first one - I'm saying Simple Battery, 2nd Degree Sexual Assault, and Fourth Degree Sexual Assault as a lesser included offense.

What charges would you bring if you were the DA?

What would your decision be if you were the jury?

Wouldn't it be great if we got paid to do that instead of what we actually end up doing?

I'm Back

I have come to realize I am a much better blog reader than I am a blog writer. So... it is very possible that this thing may go into total hibernation in the near future (we'll see, maybe I'll get into it again).

Last week I was in Chicago for a trial ad conference. I never did Moot Court or Mock Trial in law school so this was as close as I was going to get. They gave us a fake case and made us prepare it. Direct and cross examination of witnesses, openings, and closings, blah blah blah. No pressure, no real trial, no grade at the end - and yet ALL of the other assistant attorneys general (there were like 50 of us from almost every state) took this thing super serious. Preparing for hours the night before, etc.

Well they can put the slacker in with the super aggros but they can't take the slack out of this slacker. I just wanted to go see a ballgame, take in the sights (we were right in the Loop), etc. We were at this thing 8 hours a day and they wanted me to do homework?? Get real. The funniest part was that I just winged it everytime - and did fine. In fact I kept getting compliments for going "without notes." And any time I screwed up I got to fall back on the "well, I'm really trying to learn to wean myself from using notes in front of a jury" excuse.

Anyhoo, I'm back - we'll see if I have anything interesting to write about.

A good news day

No, I don't really have any good news in my life, but there is some very good/weird news today.

1)The barfing student - what an incredibly useful talent to have. And what lawyer couldn't create reasonable doubt that he meant to do this?

2) The bad writer - I have a goal which is clearly in my reach for next year (and if I don't win, can I submit a prisoner's brief?)

3) The lying juror - The only jury I've been on, I also tried my hardest to get on. I had a union job at a grocery store at the time and would get paid by my job to go to jury duty so I really wanted on. I didn't lie however, instead I just said nothing which seemed to work well. After a one day trial, we deliberated for over 3 days on a couple of misdemeanor counts. Take a wild guess who the foreman was?

Tag - I'm it

I guess I'm supposed to list my Top Ten turn ons and turn offs. But I suck at these things.

Turn Ons
1) my wife
2) sense of humor
3) sports
4) poker
5) sense of adventure
6) vacation
7) ability to put up with me
8) TV (reality shows)
9) Stupid tricks (gleeking, squeeking ears, etc.)
10) fairness

Turn offs
1) huge egos
2) absolutely no ego (not into the fishing for compliments thing)
3) mean drunks
4) holier than thou attitudes
5) the telephone
6) losing
7) stress
8) having to list things when you have no idea what to list
9) seafood
10) smegma

Fun Little head Games Take 2

Just for kicks - the answer is you should always switch. You have a 2/3 chance of winning when you switch and a 1/3 chance if you keep your original choice. How is that possible when there are only two doors left though??

MMM MMM MMM

If it's not kangaroos, it's missing digits in food.
here's another chooped off finger making it into food. Too bad it's in CA - if it were here, I'd get to defend the state, and then my surveys into how much is eating a chopped off figner worth would actually come into play.

The opposite of Greg Louganis - Ouch!!

Yikes, instead of whacking the back of her head into the board like Louganis did, she decided to go face to face with the board. Ouch!

Fun little head games

I've decided I should give my 2 readers my own LSAT. So here's the logic question:

You make it into the final part of Let's Make a Deal and chardrian (the new host) has you pick one of three doors. Behind one door is a stack of cash so big that all of your law school loans would be taken care of. Behind the other two doors are... well, I could describe humorous items but instead I'll leave it to your imagination as to what crappy prizes are behind these two doors (just know that you don't want them).

Now chardrian knows where the prize is, and to liven thinks up for the crowd and that zany tv audience, after the contestant picks a door he will always show him one of the two remaining doors that has one of the crap prizes. Chardrian will then always give the contestant a chance to stick with his/her original choice or change it.

To have the best shot of winning the cash what should the contestant do?

A) Stick with his/her original choice.
B) It doesn't matter - it's 50/50.
C) Change and pick the other door.
D) Put chardian in a sleeper hold and demand that he tell you where the damn money is - the opportunity to not have to spend the next ten years paying off your damn loans is just too much for you to risk doing anything else.

Sometimes you just gota wonder...

I've never really understood protests that make absolutely no sense. This guy is protesting wasted water by wasting water. Sort of like pro-lifers who feel that the best way of showing that abortion is murder is by murdering doctors who perform abortions. Dumbass.

Interview from the Rican

Ok I'm being interviewed by the Rican.

Here are the rules:
1) If you want in - leave a comment saying interview me.
2) I then get to continue the madness by asking you 5 questions.
3) You continue this circle of life by posting your answers on your blog with this same (or similar) info.

Here are Rican's questions and my answers:
1) What's it like being the tallest, honkiest Mexican at the DOJ?
Since I hardly ever get out of my office it's sort of a non-issue. The DOJ is very very wonder bread so being the albino latino that I am it makes me fit in purty easy, but also makes me realize how although our lawschool might have been diverse, our state bar is not. One of the inmates who I'm up against wrote me back saying he liked my name though. And the three whopping times I've actually gotten to go to court the judge has stated the appearances for the inmate plaintiff then looks down and reads my name and says the State is represented by Assistant Attorney General... (and makes me fill in my last name, but I like to pause for a bit to see if they'll actually give it a go).
2) If I could go back would I finish a semester early like I did or finish with everyone else?
Ehh - probably the same. This job opened up for me (it is a pretty good starting gig even if it is white bread); one semester less of loans; and although I got gypped on the partying and gifts thing, personally I'm also not big into the whole graduation whoopla and didn't really mind not having to rent a silly gown and spend half a day listening to people's names be read while you wait to pick up an empty folder. But I also understand people who think graduation is a really big event close to a wedding or birth (e.g. when my wife graduates med school it will be a very very big deal for her).
3) How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
Because the second "could" implies that a woodchuck can't actually chuck wood, the question is unanswerable. See U.S. Forest Service vs. Woodchucks Inc., 503 U.S. 1223 (1992).
4) Where in the world would you go if all expenses were paid?
Tough one - I can actually afford to go back to Guatemala it's just a matter of getting the time to do so, so that's off. When I was in undergrad I went to South Africa for a year and the wife and I went to an all-inclusive resort on an island off the East coast of Africa called Mauritius - I wouldn't mind doing that again (and maybe visiting the Seychelles and Madagascar as well). Also up there would be a nice vacation through the Mediterranean (never been).
5) What food can't I live without?
Are margaritas a food? Otherwise I'm an eat to live rather than live to eat kinda guy. But a nice steak dinner at Tornado is always nice every once in a while.

I only hope this works...

It looks like Madison is finally trying to make it known that pedestrians really do have the right of way.

I grew up in Madison so I was taught that you always need to be careful of cars blah blah blah. Then I went to school and lived in California for a good long while, where if a pedestrian steps into the street (especially in a crosswalk), cars just stop. Then I come back here for lawschool, and almost get killed everytime I try to cross University Ave (even with the damn green man telling me to go baby go). The funniest part is that when I actually do drive (which is very rarely) I end up almost getting rear-ended by cars because I actually do wait for pedestrians to cross.

Madison's a funky-ass town when it comes to pedestrians/cars/bikes - but if more cars actually gave pedestrians the right of way I'd be a happy camper.

Vacation

So - for those three readers out there, you probably noticed that I haven't been posting for a while. Well I took a nice little vacation to Cali to see the fam and just relax.

The crappy part about having a real job though, is that when I got back I didn't get to just start from scratch like I was used to at school. Noooooooo - instead I managed to pick up three cases while I was gone and spent the first day back just trying to go through all my e-mails and messages and catch up to try and be as far behind as I was when I actually left.