Perspective

Prepare for a rambling post.

I am in the midst of a downswing exceeding $10k and it is playing a major clusterfuck on my psyche. I know that to many of my internet wunderkid counterparts this is a drop in the bucket, but to me it is the biggest downswing I have ever been on... and to be honest hearing that others have lost more money than I have isn't very reassuring, it's downright frightening. The game draws fewer and fewer recreational players, and more and more of the players in the pool are using poker training sites and forums and are becoming better players which makes the games tougher and tougher. A 100% ROI which was the common goal just 3-4 years ago is basically unheard of now - there are high volume button pushers out there who are now happy with just 10-20% ROIs.

So what does this mean for me? Fuck if I know. Were my last 7 consecutive winning months an anomaly or is this month the outlier? Can I expect things to turn around and still attain at least a 50% ROI this year or am I going to struggle to achieve a 20% ROI? I don't know.

What I do know is that I will put in a full session tomorrow. I will take my time and make as good of decisions as I possibly can in each spot and I will let the results come. And then I will go on vacation for the rest of the month and just concentrate on having a good time with my wife and family.

I have no idea what this year will bring, and that vast unknown is what takes a little bit of the luster of this lifestyle. But I do know that I am healthy, that I am at least borderline smart and have the capability of adjusting, and the only thing I can control is my decision making - so I will concentrate on that and keep hoping for the best.

I don't know what to say

I know that reading a blog that only talks about how frustrated I am because I can't win lately has got to be the most boring thing ever to read. But it's either that or don't post at all.

The downswing continues and my head is definitely not in a real good place, but I also don't see any glaring mistakes that I am making. So all I can do is keep pushing through it.

We go on vacation soon, so no matter what I will be taking some time off. Until then I am going to just keep grinding.

Ok it's officially a downswing

I still feel like I am playing well but I also know that I am getting frustrated so I might be spewing in some spots.

Again I haven't put in tons of volume this year so my sample size is still small but I do know I am down close to $8k over my last 100 tourneys. And it just sucks.

I had a very vivid dream last night of me making over $35k in one tourney so hopefully I dream well.

I am taking the rest of today off, and then will hang out with my wife for a bit tonight and then go play my live game. Tomorrow I will be back grinding.

I put in a full session today...

but no results. I am in one of those phases where I am actually making the money on a regular basis but I just can't finish anything off. The vast majority of my earnings come from making final tables and from there getting a top 3 score so while making the money is nice because it staunches the moneyflow out it doesn't really do anything else.

I have only played 224 tourneys total this year and I am basically break even (actually I am up $763) - so it isn't even that I am "downswinging" I am just not upswinging. I feel like I am playing really well right not tho, so hopefully I will win one of these important races late in a tourney and break out with a nice score soon.

When my mom visits we eat well

My mom came to visit for this last weekend and in general when she comes we take things very easy - we walk the dog, watch some tv, talk a bunch, and just relax. But where we don't relax is when it comes to food. My mom is a very good cook so it always nice to have her here and learn a bit from her in the kitchen.

Our big food festival this weekend was a starter of dates stuffed with goat cheese and wrapped in salami; shrimp cooked two ways (breaded and sauteed); my rasberry/gorgonzola/walnut salad; and then since I don't like shrimp, I made a NY strip steak.

mmm, mmm, mmm.

On the poker front, I will be back at it the rest of this week so hopefully the run good will hit me.

Days like today are why so many grinders don't make it

I actually only played an afternoon session today and I played super well. Only to lose money for the day.

I managed to get my way into the money in 3 of the 8 tourneys I played only to finish in 22nd, 27th, and 18th and the three I cashed were the smallest buy-in tourneys I play... So even though I waded through over 1800 players in one tourney, and over 2 thousand players in another, I still managed to lose over $200 on the day.

I wish I was a better writer because I would love for others to be able to understand my frustration of playing that well for that long only to wind up doing my bookkeeping at the end of the night with absolutely no results. Yet with my paltry writing skills at least, the frustration remains indescribable.

Just keeping on

I was supposed to do a coaching session this afternoon but it fell apart so I played a small session this afternoon and then another session this evening. I am still playing really well but the poker mojo just didn't run my way today.

I did get to watch my Bagers run over the Spartans which was fun and also was able to watch Lost tonight so all in all it wasn't a horrible day.

Sundays = Online poker

Fridays might be my night to actually get out and play live poker but Sundays are the signature say to play lots of good value tourneys online. I woke up tired and a bit hungover so I just put in a half session but was pleased with how I played. I didn't get any huge scores but I gave myself as good of a chance as possible in every tourney I played and that really is all I can ask for.

Fridays = live poker

Friday night means that my live poker game at a house not too far from where I live takes place. It is the one day of the week where I am assured to actually get out of the house and talk to people face to face rather than over a headset while seated at my computer. The game is full of genuinely good people who are at least decent at poker, so I always have a good time.

I am going to spend the afternoon cleaning up the house. Tomorrow night I will spend with my wife, and then hopefully I will be back fully recharged for a good Sunday.

Taking a deep breath

No matter what I do to try and break the cycle, I can't help but dwell on things when I get close to a big score and then fizzle at the end. And since that has happened twice this last week I have been sleeping like crap.

I put in an evening session tonight, played great, ran poorly and ended early but it has given me time to just sit, reflect, take a deep breath and a step back, and as usual at the end of these cycles, I realize how fortunate I am.

I am actually up this month, and although of course I wish I had seized my final table opportunities better so that I was WAY up, I still am doing fine. My bankroll is healthy, I am playing well, as long as I keep grinding I should keep making money. So tomorrow I will put in another session and keep living the life.

Still sort of stewing

I know I should be happy since I had a very profitable day. I know I should be happy that I am playing really well. I know I should be happy.... but I'm not.

I got 5th in the afternoon $162 tourney on stars for $5700 which is great. But I was 2nd in chips with 5 left and 4 of the 5, including myself, were willing to chop which would have given me $12.7k but one guy refused so we keep playing and I end up out in 5th in a basic cooler hand. So I can't help but feel that I lost out on $7k and hence the dejection.

Stewing

Barf. I just came in 8th in a $55 freezeout on Stars which was worth over $10k for the top 3 spots and I was by far and away the chipleader at the final table. I actually don't feel like I played horribly, I just got hosed. I went from first to 4th on a hand that I could not fold. From 4th to last when I had JK on a JQx flop, and then out a couple hands later. But the feeling that I left good money on the table is just really really hard to shake.

I am upset with myself, I am upset at the game, I am upset at pokerstars, just generally upset. I know at some point soon I will be able to take a step back and realize this all just part of the game, but right now I just want to bang my head repeatedly into a wall.

Settling back into a routine

Tourneys have been bad for me the last two nights, as in I haven't cashed in anything, but cash has been okay. There are some obvious strategy differences in fullring cash that I don't really want to get into on here, but I think I am a quick learner so hopefully I have righted the cash ship and can keep on cruising.

Tomorrow should be more of the same.

Back to Real Life

So our little house survived 3 days with 13 people and 2 dogs (the picture includes everyone but no guarantees on how well they are portrayed). It is always nice to have family around... and it always nice for things to get back to normal as well.

Supposedly comcast is doing something to improve the cable in our neighborhood this next week and their might be outages, so I basically can't play tourneys during the day because if service is interrupted I would just be screwed. So the plan this week will be to play cash during the day and play tourneys at night.

INVASION!

We are being invaded this weekend but in a good way. My family is all coming here for the MLK weekend. My sister and her brood, my dad, step-mom and their brood, and my cousin and her brood are all coming. So we are looking at something like 13 people and 3 dogs in our nice little 2 br/1 ba 1000 sq ft house. The weather is supposed to be crappy so I am thinking it is going to be a games/movie/shopping mall type weekend. No matter what, I have fun with the fam so it should be a good time. I'll be back playing Monday night.

My dejection is nothing in comparison

Even though I couldn't help feeling that I had been punched in the gut last night. Even though I couldn't help repeating the what if's in my head as I went to sleep (what if I had just folded that last hand, what if I had won $50k, what if I had taken a different line, etc.) last night. I do realize how fortunate I am and I am cognizant of the fact that many in this world are not as fortunate.

If you are in a giving mood (and yes Haiti is on my mind) here are two great organizations that can always use your donations:

Partners In Health

American Red Cross

Want to poke my eyes out

I got 13th in the Quarter million on stars. I just can't finish on that site. 1st was over $50k. 13th was just over $2k. I am so dejected right now it is hard to put in words.

Hemorraghing staunched

I cleaned up the house this afternoon and then played a nightly session and feel like I played super duper well. I made 1 final table and 2 final 2 tables and felt like I had a shot to win all three tourneys. In the end I did win a $26 tourney on FullTilt for just over $8k so I am back in the black again for the year. I am going to try and get some decent volume in this week so hopefully the run good and play good continue.

Trying to stop the hemorrhaging

January has been a complete dud so far. This is the part of my job that is hardest to explain and to deal with mentally. Friends, family, and random schmoes just see or hear the wins I make but the fact that I can lose $1k a day over multiple days doesn't always sink in.

I am almost positive this is how last year started as well until like the middle of the month when I got second in a big tourney and turned things around. And that's just the nature of this game. Lose, lose, lose, lose, lose, pull out hair, get frustrated, get stressed, and then bam, I win and things are fine again. So I'll keep grinding, playing as well as I can and wait (hope) for things to turn around.

Trying to keep upbeat

This game is mentally hard:

I made three top 20s last night but no final tables and one horrific beat late which would have guaranteed a final table which = a net loss for the day;

My KK have lost the last 4 times I have played them;

I didn't cash one tourney this afternoon and except for some minor mistakes in one tourney it was not because of my play but simply because of my luck....

But I also realize that all of the above is very much blah blah meow chow. No one cares about my recent bad luck, or my bad beats and they shouldn't. I know I sure don't care about yours.

The problem is I care. The problem is I still get frustrated when I lose. The problem is even though I can rationally discuss how every player must wade through the variance inherent in poker, when the variance is hitting me square in the face I become irrational.

I am much better about not spazzing out in my other tourneys when the bad beats/lost races/coolers start flowing but I have yet to find a way to control my frustrations. At least I have a couple of hours to burn and simmer down before I start my nightly session.