Another Deep Breath Time

We had a really small but nice thanksgiving. My wife's best friend from her residency program came over and I cooked a turkey, stuffing, sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes, the crescent rolls from a can, gravy, and a salad. The only dish that failed was the gravy which I don't eat anyways so all-in-all it was a success.

Poker has been such a mental clusterfuck this year that I have been really really bad about pushing the bad days away and remembering everything that I have to be thankful for. So a day away from the tables to regain some perspective is always a good thing. I have a great family, friends, my health, my dog, a job where I still get to sleep in until noon everyday. Life is good.

I continue to have difficulties focusing on how blessed/lucky/good life is when I am losing at the tables, but I will also continue to try and better myself in that regard.

I want the light back

I am continuing to just play one night session and just keep registering for tourneys until have hit somewhere around 20. Out of the 19 tourneys I played tonight I got another 17th, 13th, and 11th. When I finished my last tourney tonight in 17th place after another retardedly standard lost race I just started laughing. I mean my late luck is either going to get better, or its not.

On the non-poker front, it looks like we are going to have a small thanksgiving this year but I will be cooking a turkey nonetheless, which I need to get tomorrow.

A little more light

Another 3 more 10th-36ths but also another FT tonight. Again it was a small tourney so my total profit for the day wasn't much but my confidence level is much higher.

I also am back to playing backed, so it feels good to start the stake on a positive note.

A little light...

I got 4th in a $26 FO on Tilt for a little over $2k, and I also got a frustrating 32nd, 23rd, 21st, and 15th in 4 other tourneys. So while I made a little bit of money for the day, it still is hardly enough to cover my buyins for my next session.

I need to stop getting all of these 10th-36th place finishes and turn them all into final tables for life to start smelling like roses again.

Still Grinding

My potential fulltime backer wants to see how I play before he commits, which is perfectly understandable so I played on my own dime tonight. I basically wanted to see if I could get 20 tourneys in a night session - and I can. So I think for the near future I will no longer be playing my afternoon session and will just start playing at 5 pm and then just keep regging until I have registered for 20 tourneys.

I am tired right now so I actually haven't reviewed my play for the day. I feel like I was a little spewy early on in the night but then became very solid towards the end. I got another 10th in a tourney on FullTilt (surprise surprise) when I took another bad beat (KK

Bap has ended

So my first foray into a salary BAP ended and it ended with me losing money for my investors (including myself) which I never feel good about. I do feel really good about my game at the moment though so I am just going to keep playing.

My hope at the moment is that I am going to get staked for the next 7-8 months but if that doesn't work then I will just keep grinding on my own dime and hope for the best.

Hachcachchahhahcahha

I really felt like tonight was going to be the continuation of a heater. I made the final table of small 6 max tourney on Stars where I was the dominating chip leader with 2 tables left but then couldn't win a hand for the life of me and finished in 5th. And then I had a great stack going in the $30 rebuy on Tilt as well when I took a horrific bad beat with 16 left for a ginormous stack but still clawed my way back to like a 25 BB stack only to lose in 11th when my 99 couldn't outflip AK.

Siiiiiiiiiiiiighhhhhhhhh.

The sneaking thoughts of holy crap, if I win this tourney my stake is profitable AFTER paying me my salary made it feel like my legs were taken out from under me when it didn't materialize. Blech - that's my 9th final 2 table finish for this BAP compared to just 5 final tables. Oh well when the run good comes my way and those results flip then life will be peaches and cream again.

On the non-poker front, our washing machine went on the fritz so I am getting that fixed tomorrow.

I also have become somewhat enamored by the drama of the latest person on PTP (the staking site I use) to have rolled. He has recently fessed up that he has absconded with somewhere around $38k in his investor's money. This type of stuff happens unfortunately way too often but I am always bamboozled that no one ever contacts the authorities. I said as much in this thread. (my posts start around post #400). It seems like an almost too easy law exam question to me, and I am fairly confident that I could get a conviction if I tried this case. We'll see if anyone actually follows through...

A victory!

I chopped the $75 24k guarantee on Tilt for just under $7k. I am not jumping for joy since it still doesn't bring my stake to profitable, but at least it brings it back close to even. And I've got to say it is a confidence boost too. I have felt like I have been playing so damn good for the last month so to have no results was killing me.

Anyhoo, the stake will likely be completed by Friday and then I'm going to try and sell out the same deal. We'll see what happens...

Just continuing to grind

I had two more frustrating finishes on Sunday when I finished like 22nd and 31st in two different deep field tourneys that paid well over $15k to first. Then today was just awful results wise because I cashed 0 of 19 tourneys. But I reviewed my session today and my play is still very good.

I am also really happy with my mindset the last couple of sessions I have had. I have kept the whining to a minimum, I am really enjoying the times I win hands, and I am playing really well. So I am just going to keep at it and hope for the best.

I finished somewhat early tonight so I am going to go make some chicken and beans so that we can have some "real food" for the rest of the week.

Continue to get closer and closer

I finished 5th out of over 3000 entrants in the $10r for a little over $4k today on Stars. Again I am very very happy with my play, but still just want to close one of these stupid tourneys out again. I experienced some more bad luck at the end of this tourney when my AA was cracked by AK with 15 players left and took me down to 5 BBs. But I am super pleased with how I gutted it out and got back to the final table and gave myself every chance possible to actually win the tourney. 1st place in this tourney was over 14k and would have brought me out of the hole but again I just can't control my outcomes no matter how much I wish I could.

Tomorrow I play in my live game and then I am back at it on Sunday. I only have 113 tourneys left to play on this stake so I still think I should finish it by the end of next week.

Interview Time

My wife had interviews in Fresno and Bakersfield these last two days so I was her chauffeur. Her interviews went well, but she has a couple more to set up later this month and then hopefully we should know where we are ending up next year.

Pokerwise I am going to get back at it tomorrow night. I am hoping to have completed my 400 tourneys for my BAP by the end of next week.

Still knocking on the door

I finally made a Final Table today so that's good. Still lost with AA versus 22 at the final table to finish in 5th so that blows. But the mantra is definitely true - all I can do is play my best and let the results happen. If I could do anything to appease the poker gods I would, but I have no idea what that would be.

I also had deep runs in 3 other tourneys so I feel real good about my game - now I am just waiting for the full flung run good to hit me in the face.

Doing my best to not let poker run my life

With the salary stake I am doing I have to put in volume to get my salary. But lately I am feeling like the donkey chasing that elusive carrot. No matter what I do, I can't win and I am letting that affect how I am feeling away from the computer. So I am taking tonight and tomorrow off and then I'll just keep grinding this Sunday.

The repetitiveness of losing everyday is getting to me mentally but there is also little I can do to change that. I am reviewing my hand histories, having friends watch me play, posting hands, discussing strategy, taking my time while I am playing... and I still am just coming up empty.

So it is back to the keep grinding mentality and also doing my best to continue to do things away from the computer so that I am not always so focused on the losses.

Still swinging and missing

I got yet another 12th in the $163 60k on Tilt. Again first was over 17k. Again I went home with like $800 and a sour taste in my mouth.

I decided to check my stats in this tourney and was grossed out by what I saw. I have played this tourney and it's nightly counterpart 166 times this year. I have cashed it 25 times (which is fine). I have 0 final tables. That's abysmal. I generally make a final table around 2-2.5% of the time. So I should have 3-4 final tables. Instead I have none.

What I do have are 11 final 20s (10,11,12,12,13,14,15,15,18,19,20). The what ifs are never good to get into for too long because you can't do anything about past results. But man. That just blows.

Sigh. Tomorrow is another day.

Day Off

I got another frustrating 12th in the $163 afternoon tourney on Tilt yesterday so instead of playing today with a defeated attitude I decided to take the day off, watch a ton of sports (my Badgers won a thriller against Iowa), and just be super lazy. Tomorrow I will play a full Sunday session.

Back at it and the downswing continues

I am getting my volume in now that I am home, but so far still no love. The vacation was nice, but the pressure to win and the frustration of a downswing that has now reached somewhere around $30k over the last 2 and a half months is just leaving me emotionally spent.

I am about 1/3 of the way through my salary stake deal and so far it has gone miserably. Hopefully I can get a decent score soon. My psyche needs it.

Back from Vacation

I was in Santa Barbara last week with my wife's family and had a blast. Tons of good food, good company, hikes, basketball, decktime, relaxing, watching the Badgers beat OSU, and just generally being treated like royalty is hard not to enjoy. I played no poker, and had very little internet access which was probably a good thing. But now I am back, and starting today I am back to work.

Finally a positive day

I went back to just playing an afternoon session and cashed 7 of the 10 tourneys I played today. For me, doing sessions is just better for me mentally so I will be going back to just playing sessions.

I have made some minor tweaks to my game and it definitely should let me get into the money more often. My best finish today was like a 15th. Still waiting for the final table to come...

Some work and some fun

I was a substitute for a friend of mine in his volleyball league last night and had a blast just pounding the ball.

Today I put in my first full session for my stake. Instead of doing two different 10 tourney sessions, I just started playing at noon and kept registering for tourneys until about 6 pm. I ended up playing 21 tourneys total. I am not sure whether I will continue registering like this or if I will go back to two sessions. I was definitely tired at the end of today, but it was doable.

I am still running pretty miserably, and even though I am playing with other's money the frustration isn't decreasing at all. If anything it is increasing. I really want this staking arrangement to work which means I need to profit, so to see me already like $2500 in the hole is just barftastic. I also just haven't had a decent score in so long that it's just eating at me.

I will be back at it tomorrow tho.

Out of Shape

My wife and I went on a 40 mile bikeride yesterday and I did not fair too well.

Going out the 20 miles to the Nimbus dam was not a problem, we had a nice picnic lunch, I didn't feel sore or winded at all. But coming back was tough. My quads starting tightening up after maybe just 5 miles on the way home so the last 15 miles were torture.

I actually don't feel bad at all today so it's more of me just being horribly out of shape than it was a strenuous bikeride.

Anyhoo, I am going to start my salaried 400 tourney stake tomorrow. I am eager to see how it goes.